Insights and Strategies

University life is a time of exploration, growth, and, for many, the first taste of independence. Yet, amid the academic pressures and social excitement, forming genuine, lasting friendships can be challenging. In an era where digital connections often overshadow face-to-face interactions, the question arises: how can students foster deep and meaningful friendships during their time at university? Drawing from recent research, here are some surprising insights and practical strategies.

The Importance of Time and Vulnerability

Aristotle famously said, “The desire for friendship comes quickly. Friendship does not.” Modern research confirms this, highlighting that it takes approximately 219 hours for a friendship to evolve from casual to close. However, this isn't just about spending time together; it's about how that time is spent. Superficial small talk can actually hinder the development of closeness. Instead, meaningful conversations—where both parties are willing to be vulnerable—are key.

Students are often caught in the whirlwind of academic deadlines, social events, and extracurricular activities. Yet, dedicating time to truly connect with others is crucial. This means being willing to share more than just what’s on the surface—discussing hopes, dreams, fears, and regrets. This depth of interaction, even if initially uncomfortable, is what transforms acquaintances into close friends.

Breaking Down Safety Behaviours

University is a social environment, yet many students unconsciously engage in behaviours that protect them from perceived social risks, such as avoiding eye contact, sticking to superficial topics, or hesitating to initiate conversations. These “safety behaviours” are often barriers to forming authentic connections.

Research suggests that letting go of these protective habits can significantly improve social interactions. When students drop their guard and engage more authentically, they become more approachable and likeable. This doesn’t mean abandoning caution entirely, but rather recognising when these behaviours are more about self-protection than genuine social interaction.

Shifting Between Analytical and Social Thinking

The human brain operates in different modes—analytical and social—and when one is active, the other tends to dial down. After a long day of lectures, problem-solving, and studying, many students find it hard to switch off their analytical brain, making social interactions feel forced or awkward.

Recognising this can be the first step to improving social interactions. Students should allow themselves time to transition from academic to social settings. Simple activities like listening to music, taking a walk, or even engaging in a hobby can help shift the brain from “work mode” to “social mode,” making it easier to engage with others.

The Power of Structured Interaction

Contrary to popular advice, “just being yourself” isn’t always the best approach in social situations, especially for those who struggle with social anxiety. Instead, adopting a role or having a clear goal in a social setting can provide structure and reduce anxiety. For example, approaching a social event with the intention of learning something new from others or offering to help can create a more comfortable and purposeful interaction.

In the context of university life, this might mean taking on roles within student organisations, joining study groups, or participating in structured activities where roles and expectations are clear. These environments provide a natural framework for interactions, making it easier to connect with others on a deeper level.

Focus on Being Likable, Not Popular

While many students might feel pressure to be popular, research shows that being likable is far more important for long-term happiness and success. Likability, which stems from authenticity, cooperation, and empathy, is what ultimately fosters genuine friendships. Unlike the fleeting nature of popularity, likability is associated with better mental health, stronger relationships, and even greater professional success later in life.

As students navigate their university years, the focus should be on building relationships that are based on mutual respect, understanding, and shared experiences. These are the friendships that will not only enhance the university experience but also provide a foundation for a richer, more fulfilling life beyond graduation.

In a world that often prioritises quantity over quality in relationships, these insights remind us that the true essence of friendship lies in depth, vulnerability, and authenticity. By embracing these principles, students can create meaningful connections that last well beyond their time at university.